By Roddy Shuttlecock, staff writer for West Franklin High Tribune
Friday, April 25th, Dr. Ed Thompson,
chair of the Government Department at the University of Pennsylvania,
delivered his lecture at a West Franklin High School while clearly in
the midst of a nervous breakdown.
What was supposed to be an oration about the
effects of global free-trade policies and neo-liberalism on the Latin
American economy turned into a decreasingly coherent rant about the
invasion of Panama, scrambled cable, Suharto, socks with the individual
toes, Rose (“that robot from the Jetsons who thinks she’s so damn
smart”), Manute Bol, and an inexplicable condemnation of bird feeders.
Dr. Thompson, 50 years old and balding, approached
the podium appearing very pale and sweating profusely. After spending
approximately seven minutes dabbing his forehead with his necktie, Dr.
Thompson began his presentation:
“Good evening. This is my
third lecture today, and only my second as myself. For my first lecture
I was Henry Louis Gates Jr. I just arrived in Franklin an hour ago. I
came by sea turtle. Sometimes my hem comes loose. Who here has heard
of NAFTA? How about the WTO? How about the FTAA? Smirk at my
marmots. How about the WNBA? How about the WWF? That stands for World
Wildlife Wrestling Federation. Panda Crunch!”
Dr. Thompson proceeded to spend nine minutes
performing the “Panda Crunch” on what seemed to be an invisible
opponent.
“In conclusion,” screamed Dr. Thompson, “a global
community must be willing to cooperate and remove all barriers, like the
barriers that arise when a father throws his son out of the house
because the son borrowed the car and crashed into a telephone pole when
some asshole cut him off so it wasn’t even my fault.” After a lengthy
pause, Dr. Thompson added, “Let’s paint cabbages.”