For Russ’s birthday, I wrote him a psychoanalytic
Roast, a kind of therapy that I think is catching on. Tonight, though,
is Jordan’s last show ever. A roast from me just wouldn’t be
sufficient. So, I merely compiled things that other people had to say
about Jordan. I’ve added a few transitions and conjunctions, but for
the most part, I can’t be held responsible for any of this. I’ve taken
the liberty of replacing all F-words with the word Flash, the stupid
name that Jordan likes to be called.
Some call Jordan a flashin dill hole, others say
that he looks like a mike judge drawing and talks like a video store
clerk with herpes of the neck. Jordan appears to be different things to
different people, resulting in mistaken identity. One fellow told me
the following: When I first met Jordan Schulkin, it was from afar and I
thought he was Howard the Duck. Those small beady eyes, his puffy,
kissable lips sticking out like a plastic beak, and of course those
disgusting webbed feet we’ve all learned to deal with as friends. It
wasn’t until Punchline where I was finally forced to talk to this human
wasteland we call Jordan, and eventually we tried joking with another.
Whenever Jordan would crack a joke about anything,
he would stare at me for much longer than what’s considered socially
acceptable anywhere in the world, and yet I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Who the hell is this duck,” I thought to myself. Soon our relationship
developed into intentionally creating awkward moments that only we found
hilarious. A strange smile, a long gaze, a brush of the shoulder with
an errant index finger, I soon found my niche with Jordan. I only wish
this had been sooner though, because I will miss him terribly next
year. Jordan, you are quite a talented man, and I only hope the best
for you in the near future. Not the far future though. I hope you’re
dead by, like, 40 or something.
Jordan, though, is not merely a duck. I’m told by
another fellow that Jordan Schulkin is a man of many facets, most of
which aren't funny. I saw Jordan last summer, performing in a stand-up
competition in New York City. He knew he couldn't win with humor, so he
just packed the crowd with all of his friends who would laugh at him
anyway...or else. So, with this "completely voluntary" boost, he made
it to the finals. He had run out of bribe money at this point, and so
his attempt to pack the crowd failed. His career never recovered, and
he was forced to complete his senior year at some low-ranked liberal
arts school in BumbleFlash, Connecticut. According to sources who wish
to remain anonymous, that fall Jordan tried to increase his grade in a
class presentation by wearing a dress and jewelry. Unfortunately, it
was a gov class and Jordan failed, forcing him to drop the major and
revert to his backup major of film studies. There, he made a senior
thesis film that was so bad, that instead of a page of written feedback,
Jordan merely received a paper bag full of a mixture of vomit, diarrhea,
and several other unidentified bodily fluids. He was so honored, he got
the bag framed. It is now hanging on the ceiling over his bed. In a
completely unrelated note, Jordan has not gotten laid in a very, very
long time.
But Jordan does indeed fashion himself as something
of a Casanova. When he is not checking out his friend Mike Drucker in
the shower, getting owned in poker by Luke Dietrich, or listening to
Disney music, he can be found laying the moves on an unsuspecting pretty
young thing. His moves are about as smooth and subtle as a Duke
Lacrosse player’s.
One poor traumatized girl remembers many years ago
sitting around the house with Jordan and watching TV. After a long
silence, Jordan asked if she had a pencil and paper that he could use.
A seemingly innocuous request. She obliged the young man and fetched
the pencil and paper, and then resumed watching TV. Jordan proceeded to
hunch over the paper, writing meticulously. He then carefully folded
the paper and handed it to her. The paper had two squares on it, and
the words “Can I kiss you? Check a box.” The Yes Box would remain
empty for a long, long time.
But other girls were unable to escape the danger
zone that is Jordan’s libido. He is a romantic, and one of his favorite
romantic spots is behind a tree in the backyard of Eclectic. This is
where this Romeo prefers to lock jaws and have close encounters of the
sexy kind, causing a real catch-22 for everyone involved.
Jordan is as filthy in a literal sense as he is in
a metaphorical sense. Recently, one of his housemate’s mothers was
visiting campus, so the housemate gave his mother a house tour. When
they walked past Jordan’s room, she peered inside and asked, “Why are
you using this as a storage closet for all your trash? Why don’t they
make you clean it up and have someone live there?” He soon responded
that, Actually, it’s Jordan’s bedroom. After a long, shocked pause, the
mother could only say, “That’s appalling.”
But back to the metaphorical filth. Jordan prides
himself on making a first impression. When he came to Wesleyan as a
freshman, he went to some lecture about the sciences. While the
professor was talking about his research with zebra fish or something,
Jordan turns to the person next to him and randomly starts discussing
deviant male sexual fantasies. He asked his new friend/victim, “Do you
want to hear about The Burger King.” The Burger King is far too awful
to discuss further on this show. In a true failure of representation,
Jordan turned out to be the first Jewish person that the kid had ever
spoken to.
Also proving Jordan to be a poor representative of
his religion is the fact that while driving, Jordan will shift into
neutral any time there is a slight decline in order to save a fraction
of a cent on gas. However, he has amassed hundreds of dollars worth of
speeding tickets doing this.
Being in the car with Jordan is dangerous. After
he got his first car, a hand me down from his Uncle, he drove to visit a
friend. When he came back, the whole side of the car was smashed in.
When asked about this, Jordan’s excuse was that “the cement pillar in
her driveway was wasn’t in the right place.”
Jordan is like an angel when he’s sleeping though.
A demented weirdo angel who giggles incessantly while sleeping and
occasionally calls out the names of his male friends, like Steve
Rubinstein. It was probably while sleepwalking that he decided to give
himself a haircut, failing so miserably that the barber had to cut
almost all of it off in order to save it.
Another fellow had the following to say about
Jordan:
I once knew this kid named Jordan Schulkin. The
only really memorable thing about Jordan was the fact that he had so few
friends willing to submit witty little insights about him when they were
initially solicited via e-mail, that Aaron Sussman had to send a SECOND
obnoxious e-mail again pleading for those witty little insights.
So I want to go on record as being the friend who
didn't give enough of a Flash about Jordan Schulkin to even respond the
first time, but cared just enough to respond the second, in the hopes
that Sussman wouldn't send a third pathetic e-mail to my INBOX.
I'll always remember Jordan Schulkin for his wise
decision not to join my fraternity. I wish I'd had such wisdom. I also
always remember Jordan for being the kid who might or might not have
been in my Spanish class Sophomore year. And finally, I'll always
remember Jordan for being so completely undependable throughout the
months that he claimed to have written for my radio show.
Jordan is a funny guy, and a remarkably successful
Jewish stereotype. It's hard to tell whether he'll go on to greatness or
whether his numerable talents peaked in college. But in the end, it's
even harder to care.
A successful Jewish stereotype indeed. In 7th
grade, Jordan talked a bully out of beating him up by explaining to the
bully how ridiculous he would look beating up such a skinny, pathetic
wuss. In 4th grade, Jordan lived in Florida, and decided
that he didn’t like sand. Instead of going to the beach with his family
like a normal child, Jordan chose to sit around with a notebook and
write Billy Joel lyrics over and over, and then carefully memorize
them. This was the same year that Jordan complained to his mother about
feeling nauseous after having to walk up the stairs behind his corpulent
teacher. Her pants revealed more than little Jordan could handle.
In high school, Jordan was skinnier than he is
now. Much, much skinnier, as was emphasized to me. Jordan decided to
change this by working out hardcore for a week, doing punishing push ups
every night. After a week, Jordan was so proud of himself, that he got
himself a sleeveless shirt and wore it to school. Immediately, he was
made of fun, as a student loudly commented on his “nice pair of rods.”
The most befitting story about Jordan, though,
occurred when he was three years old. For Halloween, his parents
dressed him up in a clown costume. Strangely, clowns were the one thing
that Jordan was not afraid of. Jordan’s mother filmed the little guy
all dressed up and asked him how he felt, to which he replied, “Clowny.”
This is the first joke Jordan ever made, and it marks the peak of his
comedic career. We are going to miss you on the show Jordan. It’s been
a great a time. Without you, things will be a little less clowny.
Farewell, friend.
Love,
Chris White, Victor Vazquez, Dan
Crossley, Mike Campbell, Zack Boger, Jesse Sommer, Mike Gottwald, Emily
Seife, Stephanie Roer, Matt Cron, Stan Parish, Jordan's Mom, Jordan's
Dad