Russell Berg is a delightful
loon, a wacky screwball who likes to make people laugh. His antics are
unpredictable and make some people think that he is fun to be around. I am not
one of these people. Since having the obligation of being his roommate Freshman
year, I have discovered that Russ is not idiosyncratic, but actually severely
mentally handicapped. Over the years, I’ve kept track of the diagnoses.
Russ was born with autistic
disorder. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders , 4th edition, (DSM4), the essential features of autism are
the presence of markedly abnormal or impaired development in social interaction
and communication and a markedly restricted repertoire of activities. People
connect to Russ like audiences react to the comedy of Carlos Mencia - with
confusion, horror, and profound sadness. Watching Russ interact with people is
like watching a racist bull shop in China. Russ gets the reception at parties
that most people reserve for avian bird flu. To illustrate Russ’s ineptness
in social interaction: last year A Crowded Fire was invited to a convention for
the world’s best radio shows. It was a very high end affair. Russ hit it off
quite well with the President of Radio and was very excited to have made such a
connection. One thing led to another and Russ made love to the President of
Radio all night, without ever stopping to ask why the Convention for World’s
Best Radio Shows was held in a house on campus and why the President of Radio
looked a lot like Jordan wearing a sash. Russ also has a markedly limited
repertoire of activities, which range from science to masturbation to scientific
research on the results of constant masturbation.
Russ also suffers from
Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which is the recurrent pattern of negativistic,
defiant, disobedient, or hostile behavior toward authority figures. After
seeing pictures from the late 1960s of protestors putting flowers in the guns of
cops and national guardsmen, Russ tried to do the same thing with his penis.
For doing this, he was brutally sodomized by the NYPD with various objects, but
later filed a substantial suit against the city claiming that they stopped too
early, causing unspeakable disappointment. Another symptom of Oppositional
Defiant Disorder, which in Russ’s case especially we’ll abbreviate to ODD, is
the behavior of often deliberately annoying people. Here is one thing Russ
does: Russ will enter an elevator at the ground floor and wait for the other
person in the elevator to press his or her floor. Russ will then press every
floor beneath it. As the doors close and the other passenger begins to object,
Russ lets out a shrill constant scream while slowly spinning in circles until
the elevator doors open at the next floor, at which point he stops screaming,
sighs, looks at his watch, and casually says, “this elevator takes forever.”
The doors close and he continues screaming and twirling.
Russ also has Rumination
Disorder, which is the repeated regurgitation and rechewing of food. At dinner
parties, he’ll loudly say, “man this food is too good to eat once!” Then people
politely laugh, not quite knowing what he means until the hacking sound comes.
Russ then says, even more loudly, “anyone else for seconds?” and laughs to
himself for 10 minutes while he rechews his regurgitated food.
Russ also suffers from
Encopresis, which is marked by the repeated passage of feces into inappropriate
places. In Russ’s case, the inappropriate places are radio waves.
Russ also suffers from
narcolepsy, but, in all fairness, it only occurs when one of Josh’s bits is
being played.
Russ has also been diagnosed
with Sexual Aversion Disorder, which is the aversion to and active avoidance of
genital sexual contact with a sexual partner. I don’t know if this one is true,
but Adam made me put it in because he said he couldn’t think of any other
possible explanation. Not sure what that means.
Russ also suffers from
premature ejaculation, as anyone who has ever given him a high-five can attest
to.
Russ suffers from many
combination sexual disorders and developmental disorders that cause him to talk
about strange sexual issues in completely inappropriate situations. One time,
Russ testified at the Senate and got to talk to Senator Dodd. He used this
opportunity to ask the Senator if he thinks that gay men ever take a flaccid
penis, wrap it around an erect penis, and have sex with it. He then asked the
Senator if he thinks this should be called a Phallus Coil or a Penis Helix.
Mental defects aside, there
is still not much redeeming about Russ. He’s as charming as a Zacharias
Moussaui court testimony and has all the personality of a sitcom on ABC. In
fact, his life could best be represented by a Zacharias Moussaui sitcom on ABC.
A sitcom would have to be called Mad About Jews.
So next time you witness
Russ Berg do something wacky, zany, off-beat, or madcap, realize that you are
witnessing the actions of a very sick individual, and instead of laughing at
him, feel bad for him. Then give him a shove. Because how else will he learn?
But I left out one final
mental disorder that Russ suffers from. Russ has a serious case of
kleptomania. Because he has stolen all of our hearts. Happy Birthday, Russ.