Aaron Ross Sussman was born on October 14^th, 1984.  Weighing a fraction of an ounce and measuring five inches long, Aaron’s parents had to house him for the first three years of his life in a shoe-box diorama dedicated to ichthyologist and shark expert Eugenie Clark that his older sister built for a third grade science class.  Having grown accustomed to the world of marine biology and scientific inquiry, Aaron was jarred by his transition into the real world after having out-grown the diorama.  This spurred in him a cynicism and bitter mistrust that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

After reaching the age of three, Aaron’s body compensated for its decelerated maturation by growing at six times the normal rate, but only in his left arm.  This strikingly large limb posed many difficulties for Aaron, instilling in him indefatigable determination and a potent distaste for falling over.  No real benefits arose from this physical condition except for the mopping qualities of an arm that constantly drags on the floor.  Wearing rings attached to towels on each finger, Aaron earned a substantial income cleaning up at movie theaters and bathhouses. 

Soon, the rest of Aaron’s body began to catch up with his left arm and bathhouses rapidly closed down.  Aaron was left jobless and depressed at the beginning of 1988, and then had to drop out of contention for the Democratic nomination due to alleged sexual improprieties.    The next two years were spent in an inebriated, drunken, alcohol induced haze, spurred on by heavy drinking. 

Then came 1990.  Bush sucked as President, people were dying in Iraq, and Reagan was showing few signs of mental activity.  Cut to 2004, and we’re still bathing llamas in Vaseline and canola oil! 

Cut back to 1990.  After an arduous six years of living, Aaron was ready to just slack off and watch Music Television and be a slacker and listen to Pearl Jam and slack around and repeatedly see Richard Linklater’s film “Slacker.”  According to corporate magazines, this attitude was prevalent throughout the generation. 

At the age of eight, Aaron began working on his bio for the website A Crowded Fire.  In the middle of this process, though, he was approached by a marmoset, two Harlem Globetrotters, Rev. Pat Robertson, Wang Chung, three women from NOW, twenty-three fire ants, and a Teeter-Totter, all of whom were pissed off at Aaron for various, lengthy reasons.  The marmoset leapt at Aaron’s throat while the others all wailed mercilessly on his body, except for the three women from NOW, who just went in the corner and made out with each other.  Aaron was severely injured and his bio, tragically, remained unfinished.