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For the curious, bored, and my mom. These were written in high school. I've added context and commentary for most of them. I may or may not agree with what is written in these columns.
Dare to Know On the Offensive This is the first column I had ever written. Prior to
this, I had written a couple articles for the school paper, but was quickly
getting tired of the criticism that my articles were filled with "blatant bias
and editorializing." After writing this, I had a column in each subsequent
issue of The Record up until graduation. "Dare to Know" is the
translation of "Sapere Aude," the phrase used by Immauel Kant in "What is
Enlightenment?" If you think this title makes me a pretentious dick, I
originally wanted the Latin phrase as the title. Nowadays, I stay away from
that kind of bullshit and stick mainly to fart and retard jokes. Interesting
similarities between this column and my first Wesleyan column (Repeat
Offender) four years later.
Political Yard Sale Fun with OpenSecrets.com. Take THAT, Plutocrats!
Born-Again Patriot This is essentially an all-out humor column in which I was still burdened by the idea that I had to have a point somewhere. So, I just made one up. I would like this column quite a bit if it weren't for the last paragraph. I'd go back and change it, but that'd be cheating.
On Turning 18 I'm glad someone had the guts to finally take on Big Charity. Not sure what inspired this piece, but I enjoyed reading it over. Man, Senator Robert Torricelli jokes don't stay fresh very long, do they?
You Threatened the Wrong Country's Way of Life This piece spurred controversy from the Editorial staff and the administration. The issue was ridiculous: it was not satirical enough to prevent everyone from thinking I might be serious, yet; anything more satirical would be too offensive to print. My hands were somewhat tied on this one, but I am fine with the piece, except for the regrettable last line. Again, I'd change it, but...yeah, cheating.
Raiding the Hive Possibly my favorite column because it encompassed a lot that was going on at the time. The rally that I refer to in this piece was a peace rally that I organized along with seven other seniors (we called ourselves the G8, or, Group of 8). Organizing was a tremendous amount of work and we publicized the shit out of the rally while staying within the bounds of what the administration had permitted us to do. A couple days before the rally, administrators changed their minds and canceled the rally. This rally was to feature special guests from very respected organizations, musical acts, poetry, testimonials, speeches from teachers and students, and tons of information regarding the war in Iraq - a special invitation was even extended to those who wanted to present opposing views. Though many members of the press contacted me (Indymedia, Channel 13 News, the Star Ledger, etc.), the only publication I spoke to was the Bernardsville News because a school spokesman also spoke to them. Here is a link to that article. Think I sound too favorable towards the administration? Well, I was told on more than one occasion that "severe disciplinary action can be brought against students for bringing 'discredit' to the school." Other than threatening me, lying to the student body, and engaging in devious actions, the administration handled this one beautifully.
The Real Zero-Tolerance Policy So some black and Hispanic students put up a sign over a couch that said something about "minority couches." It was pretty funny, added some nice flavor to the hall. Of course, this made the school flip the fuck out. We even had a forum to discuss it. This column would be better if I didn't include so many bitter attacks on a somewhat unrelated topic. A column in the school paper is not the best way to address personal issues. It's a pretty good title though, isn't it?
Senior Reflection Aw, my last column for The Record. I ended up using a lot of this in my graduation speech. I make a reference to Jed; he is the school's dog who has the job of chasing geese off the fields. I applied for the position but didn't pass the drug test. The interaction with the teacher in the third to last paragraph is entirely fictional. Just thought I'd burst that little bubble.
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