I relate to and understand people who walk around listening
to music through headphones, yet I hate them. The love of music and
disdain for reality that these people exude makes me want to send them a
friendly, impersonal e-mail; however, I refuse to tolerate any escapist asshole
who, through trying to obscure and dull his reality, makes mine all that much
worse. When you are walking in the middle of the street and you hear a
car, a little voice in your head yells, “get the fuck out of the way.” For
the guy with the headphones, that little voice is blocked out by the whining
moan of The Cure or Belle and Sebastian or whatever quells this person’s anxiety
by making him forget the alienating, vacant real world and trick him into
feeling like he is sitting in the corner of that hipster anti-social café he’s
frequented for five years where no one knows his name and cryptic images of
genitalia juxtaposed with political leaders from the 1970’s adorn the perforated
walls that have been punctured with tacks holding up flyers advertising shitty
local bands with descriptions like “a Smiths cover band as interpreted in a Type
O Negative context through the lens of Donny the Peg-Legged Bagpipe Player.”
To correct this, I want to wake up that little mental voice called common sense
by running this asshole over, but then I’d feel guilty for destroying a perfectly good
iPod. It is simple: You cannot disengage one of your senses that it essential
in not pissing other people off. If you want to stop smelling, stop speaking,
or stop feeling, that is fine by me, but once you stop hearing, you are
infringing on my right to call you an asshole and have it register. Now, don’t
interpret this as being disparaging towards deaf people. I love deaf people.
It’s blind people who I can do without (note to self: for radio show, switch
words “deaf” and “blind”). One shouldn’t walk around in public traffic with
headphones for the same reason that one shouldn’t walk around with giant goggles
that play DVDs like some kind of personal Imax (note: if you want to take this
idea, invent such a product, call it “Eye-Max,” and make lots of money – let’s
talk). I have no problem with the fact that you want to block out the sounds of
the world or that you want people to keep the small-talk to themselves; I
champion that cause. Listen, if you really want to solve the problem of being
part of society and having human interaction, here are my suggestions: 1. Wear
a “Starship Enterprise” T-Shirt two sizes too small 2. Wander around screaming
and acting crazy (Martin Lawrence used this method and we haven’t heard much
from him lately) 3. Pockets full of chocolate pudding. Don’t be shy about
offering pudding. 4. Change name to Linda Tripp and, finally, 5. Wear a turban,
look suspicious. Look, what really bothers me about you headphone-wearers is
that I want to like you; I see myself in you; I understand where you’re coming
from. But, next time, that won’t stop me from mowing you down.